Dating the Internet

It it true? Can there be someone who is so completely amazing that they fit you like a parietal membrane. Note: Honestly, that joke is fucking hilarious and I still have yet to have someone grasp the full hilarity it. Basic fuckin anatomy kids, learn it. So you have found someone. In fact you two mesh so well you even visit the same internet sites as the other one.  

Herp.

Months go by, perhaps even years of pure bliss. You laugh and joke about how you both think Republicans are retarded to the point of locking them all in one place and ending it for their own good. Or you even giggle about how amazing the Batman is. And about how if the Batman ever had to choose between the two of you, you would more than likely drop your significant other for some hot microchiroptera action.

The Batman would probably be a kinky bastard. He has all this money, likes to beat the crap out of people and always has a costume. I'm down. Mr. Clooney or even you Mr. Bale should give me a call.

This makes me giggle.

But no one ever thinks about the other side of dating someone else who likes mudkipz and how if Tom Hanks wore panty hose he would be Tom Spanx. 

Over time, it somehow forms into this idea of a race. You have to be the first one to tell them about the picture on reddit where the kitteh is sleeping on the dog in /aww. You swear to Einstein that if you have to listen one more thing about there was an article on reddit you would probably shit a brick and lose it because you have already read that article on Ken Jennings now shut the fuck up hunny before I stick my foot so far up your ass that my toes will become a permanent part of your dentistry. Love you snookums. 

Ruining relationships since 2005

Dating someone who likes the same things as you is great. My significant other is a fantastic musician and I love to sit there and talk to him about music, to an extent. The same thing goes about things on the internet. We both share things we see but most of the time it is just me humoring him or the other way around when we read things to each other. Makes me feel like we are a boring old couple but with more sexiness and less tits that hit the floor. But I'm fine with that. 

Sometimes. As long as he knows that I am the better redditor I'm cool. 

Note: I don't want to have to link you to my blog post snookums. I want you to want to read it. Jeeze. 

1,105 Views

I just want to say thank you all for actually coming back to read this, if you really are a return reader. It's quite humbling to know what all of you have at once read what I have written. I know I haven't posted much in a while but I will get to a new one probably later tonight or tomorrow.

Until then, thank you for reading.

Here is a comic just for you.


Well, there would of been a comic but I decided not to draw one. I promise nudity in the next post.



Jenny 

Super Duper Bowl

As you all may have noticed there was a distinct start to this year's celebratory game of Super Duperness. There she was, standing in front of the majestic American flag that billowed elegantly in the wind. The air was full of democracy and freedom.

Does any one else find it absolutely hilarious that she fucked the lyrics to the national anthem? I am going to take a guess here and assume she was asked at least a month in advanced to sing at the Bowl of Super Duper Awesomeness. Going by that calculation she should of at least reread the lyrics a couple of minutes before going on stage.

These are the lyrics, right? Right?

Even with out Robert Patterson coming though the night to someone named oh Jose, there was no preparing for the shittastrophy that was the halftime show. Now, understandably the Black Eyed Peas sound delightfully mediocre on radio so of course they were a big hit this last year.  

Those people would never realize what was to become of them. But come on Slash. I know Guns and Roses isn't best thing since man discovered the woman's clitoris but did you really resort to collaborating with Fergie? I wouldn't wish Fergie's singing on my mortal enemy. 

He really is a cunt. 

Minus a rocky start and a shitty intermission that made me want to kill every one around me so they wouldn't suffer the Black Eyed Peas with out their voice enhancement the only great thing was the Packers won! 

For now I will leave you with the red pen in your hand. Go ahead and draw on him. He's a cunt so he doesn't mind. 

P.S I am sorry to the 400 fans who got fucked out of their tickets. It sucks and I feel for you. But at least you didn't contemplate murder listening to the shit storm that was the entertainment of the Duper Bowl

How to Ruin Your Relationship in Five Easy Steps

So, you have deemed it necessary to find an escape route from your current relationship. Don't do this the mediocre way and just tell them that it is over.  Fuck that noise. Do it with a more subtle and passive aggressive approach.

1. Shit in/on their shoes, socks, knicker draw and or jewelry box.

Just wait until she sees the kitchen. 

2. Tell your soon to be non significant other that your parent, grandparent, childhood dog, small diseased Ethiopian child you have been sponsoring on and off or your pet furby has died and you can no longer handle the stress of the tragic death and being with them. Maybe you should take a very long break to reevaluate where you two are going with your lives. 

I loved my pet alot a lot. 

3. Horse Porn. 

That's a mighty fine stallion you have there sir. 

4. Stab them. 

Oh look, there is one of them pointy, stabby things. 

5. Pretend you have cancer and fake your own death. 

We need the place empty to have massive orgies.
You aren't invited but pass the invite along to your hot friends.

So if you need more excuses might I suggest drugging their drink, putting a black bag over their head and pretend to kidnap them and yell surprise when you have driven out to the middle of bum fuck Egypt and leave them their with all of their belongings. You could just sit down and just rationally talk about your issues like adults but why do that when there is always Timmy the Tumor?

Note: A lot of the alots belong to Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half. She the mutha fuckin champ at drawing unicorns. 

If You Like it

Happy New Year ladies, gentlemen, gentleladies, manly ladies, ladies men, tapioca pudding lovers and 2012 dooms day says and naysayers.

 I'll be taking this now. 

I hope you had a great 2010. Mine was full of lots of ups a few downs and even around towns. Now is the time to start fulfilling and quickly dismissing your resolutions for the new year.

Here is a short list of my resolutions that I have already decided to completely ignore.

1. Be less awesome. Remember, awesome with out me is just aweso and that just blows.
2. Curse less. Cunts.
3. Be a productive member of society. I like to internets all day and not afraid of anything, except hard work.
4. Drink less carbonated beverages. Except Code Red Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Coke, Orange Soda, Root beer, Gingerale, Sprite and Cherry Coke because all of those are fuckin delicious.

Here is a short list of resolutions I have deemed appropriate that I keep.

1. Be more awesome.
2. Sleep more.
3. Watch more Anthony Hopkin films.
4. If you like I then slap I'll slap my dick on it.
       Way back when it was 2010, I had an interesting conversation with the beloved super metal/gamer in my life about property ownership and how to claim said ownership. After countless hours of debating and mental anguish we proposed an idea of all ideas. This idea is so monumental that it has to be shared.
      
      If you like something slap your dick on it.

Want someone's delicious ice cream? Put your dick on it. 

Well now, this is a fine pussy...

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. All of your skittles are mine.

Now the ladies might be all disrespectful and complaining that "Well what if we don't have a penis to invoke the phallic version of eminent domain? 

This is always an option.

Or you can just invoke, I HAVE A VAGINA AND TITIES GIVE ME EVERYTHING EVER. 

All of your everything belongs to them now. 

Try and say no when these are in your face.

So whatever your new year brings you I hope it brings you laughter, boobies, cocks, socks, awesomeness and happiness. If you can't get to where you want to go just whip it out and claim in in the name of your dick. 

Back off bitches. This is MY diamond star. 

I'll shank you for it.