I was his turkey bitch.
I have needed this surgery since July. On that Monday, the 22nd I received a call from my doctor's office saying they might of found a donor that would qualify for my needs.
Qualifications for Jenny's New Cornea
- Be from the dead.
- Be good tissue harvested (I heard the surgeon use this exact term.) from the dead person.
- Be able to stand teh awesomeness that is Jenny's eye.
- Whip her eye into shape with the love and support of sutures.
- Be at least 25 years or younger.
So with all of these qualifications the surgery center where this fiesta would occur, booked me for an 11:15 appointment that Wednesday morning. I was so excited for this all to be over with my vagina took over my mental stability and I cried to Mr. Sleepy for what seemed hours. The next day however would be the emotional roller coaster that would make even the sanest of people pull their hair out.
There is nothing wrong with a little eye candy.
Don't judge me monkey.
So the next day I receive a call saying that the surgery would no longer happen because apparently there was a seventy year old woman who was more in need of a cornea transplant than I was. Really, eye bank? A woman who will probably die tomorrow because she farted and it scared her into a heart attacked needed this surgery more than an unproductive twenty-one year old member of society? Asshats. I now see where your priorities lay.
So disappointed, I ran to my room in a rush and flopped on the bed only to be called back five minutes and told that there was a mistake on the doctor's office part and there was two corneas available and the surgery was back on. By this time I was excited all over again. I ran around the room like my dog does every time someone comes near the door. Only this time I didn't growl at people I didn't know. Blow jobs were given out like prom night dumpster babies and free candy from old men in windowless vans.
Oh hai. Why don't you take a seat?
By this time I was too excited for anything to get me down. But yet like a woman who stops jerkin off a man right before he blows his load into her eye they had called once again. Apparently, the surgery center, in some unfounded reasoning did not want to do the surgery with out the blood work from the donor and unless they got the work they would no longer do the transplant.
Hope slowly faded away. I was so upset by this point in time I decided to hell with it and cried like a small child.
I looked like this but with more snot and clothing.
Two hours later the surgery center called to tell me that the transplant was back on for good. The owner of the center had apparently stepped in on my behalf and had the blood work rushed so I would be able to have the transplant the following morning. I resorted to the picture above and called about ten minutes before those sneak bastards closed to confirm the surgery was still on.
The surgery was the most weirdest experiences of my life. That morning there was a sense of scared shitlessness, Time seemed to slowly creepy by as it got time to leave. When I got there they gave me a handy arm bracelet, gave me a Valium and dropthat made my eyes numb to the point where I felt like I had put orajel on my eyes. After having a nice conversation with the anesthesiologist about how I was afraid of being awake through the surgery they settled my fears by telling me that they would give me a sedative that would knock me out.
After the first two attempts of trying to stick an IV in my arm the anesthesiologist who apparently who worked his way through med school with nursing twice before finally bitch slapping my veins into not collapsing.
This was my anesthesiologist.
They monitored my heart rate and let the Valium to kick in while I laid down on a bed. I talked to a bunch of people because I never learned to keep my mouth shut in any type of situation and finally was moved to a wheel chair where I was told they would put me to sleep back in the operating room.
Except the room I was in was playing Journey and had a more homey feel.
When they went to administer the medication to knock me into happy go lucky land my vein had decided to go kamikaze on everyone and block itself. They tried and tried and tried and tried. They tried four times to get an IV in me and the veins would have none of it.
"We aren't going to try to stick you any more. We will get you another Valium and numb you up really well and it will be over before you know it."
After another dose of Valium and a few encouraging words the surgeon lifts my lid and with a q-tip numbs the corners and under my lid.
"We are going to give you four shots today to numb your eye. One of them is going to be the numb your lid and the rest with deaden your eye. You won't be able to feel anything but the pressure from me touching your face. Now, take a deep breath and we will start the shots. Nice and slow, you will only feel pressure."
Add one more to this nightmare fiesta.
By this time I was almost to the point of hyperventilation and the surgical nurse must of noticed because all she kept telling me was to breathe. I was supposed to breathe when they were coming at my eye with what looked like katanas? Fuck. That. Noise. After he was done with the third shot apparently they forgot to mention that the last and final shot would be wiggled under my eye like it wasn't fuckin there.
It would of been much simpler if I was Mr. Burns.
The surgeon rubbed my eye to push the medication around the eye. Thirty seconds later I couldn't feel the right side of my face. Hell, even my top teeth were numb. I couldn't even close my eye lid with out the surgeon doing that for me. They laid me back and turned on what looked like an alien spaceship light and wiped the top part of my face with iodine.
By the way, iodine in your eye when it is NOT numb burns like you have maced yourself. Believe I know what macing yourself feels like. It is no bueno. This point in time I was still on the verge of hyperventilating. I have never been so terrified in my life.
They forced my lid open and all I saw was bright lights until the surgeon came at my eye with the scalpel.
Yeah, I have no witty comment.
"Um, can someone hold my hand." I whimpered pathetically. The surgical nurse was nice enough to do so until the anesthesiologist came in and took over from there.
Because he fuckin rocked enough to be Dead Pool.
Twenty minutes later the other Valium kicked in and I wouldn't of cared if they decided to cut me open and use my insides as a warming oven for their dinner rolls the next night. The whole surgery from beginning to end took about an hour and a half. From seeing them actually lift my old cornea off my eye, seeing him cut the new one into shape and sewing the sutures into the cornea, I can say I have faced some seriously weird shit.
After it was all over with, they put a small patch on my eye.
My patch was more bad ass than this guy's.
The nurse gave me a juice box and sent me on my way with a list of post op instructions. That will be my next blog post. Don't be so hasty. I was so excited to be out of there I was more than willing to go to the store and face the holiday rush. It was around 4pm by the time we got to the store and it was packed. But I didn't give a flying fuck. I was high on Valium, sugar and I couldn't feel the top part of my head and right side of my face.
The next day was Thanksgiving and they took the patch off for me and I walked around like a mother fuckin boss with my blood shot eye. I was proud of being able to see and having lived through that traumatic experience I treated myself to a morning of searching for a pharmacy that was open to fill my prescription for the one of many eye drops. After spending my morning running around I made this like a fuckin champ.
Like a boss.My Thanksgiving Day turkey was amazing, for the first four days I ate it. Now I am so fuckin sick of it I secretly feed it to the dog who I'm sure by now is tired of it and is burying in the back yard.
I hope you all had a nice holiday or nice last week and I look forward to the upcoming holiday. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.
I love you all so much I drew a tree on my doodle pad on my phone.
Feel special.
Merry Christmas!
