How to Ruin Your Relationship in Five Easy Steps

So, you have deemed it necessary to find an escape route from your current relationship. Don't do this the mediocre way and just tell them that it is over.  Fuck that noise. Do it with a more subtle and passive aggressive approach.

1. Shit in/on their shoes, socks, knicker draw and or jewelry box.

Just wait until she sees the kitchen. 

2. Tell your soon to be non significant other that your parent, grandparent, childhood dog, small diseased Ethiopian child you have been sponsoring on and off or your pet furby has died and you can no longer handle the stress of the tragic death and being with them. Maybe you should take a very long break to reevaluate where you two are going with your lives. 

I loved my pet alot a lot. 

3. Horse Porn. 

That's a mighty fine stallion you have there sir. 

4. Stab them. 

Oh look, there is one of them pointy, stabby things. 

5. Pretend you have cancer and fake your own death. 

We need the place empty to have massive orgies.
You aren't invited but pass the invite along to your hot friends.

So if you need more excuses might I suggest drugging their drink, putting a black bag over their head and pretend to kidnap them and yell surprise when you have driven out to the middle of bum fuck Egypt and leave them their with all of their belongings. You could just sit down and just rationally talk about your issues like adults but why do that when there is always Timmy the Tumor?

Note: A lot of the alots belong to Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half. She the mutha fuckin champ at drawing unicorns. 

If You Like it

Happy New Year ladies, gentlemen, gentleladies, manly ladies, ladies men, tapioca pudding lovers and 2012 dooms day says and naysayers.

 I'll be taking this now. 

I hope you had a great 2010. Mine was full of lots of ups a few downs and even around towns. Now is the time to start fulfilling and quickly dismissing your resolutions for the new year.

Here is a short list of my resolutions that I have already decided to completely ignore.

1. Be less awesome. Remember, awesome with out me is just aweso and that just blows.
2. Curse less. Cunts.
3. Be a productive member of society. I like to internets all day and not afraid of anything, except hard work.
4. Drink less carbonated beverages. Except Code Red Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Coke, Orange Soda, Root beer, Gingerale, Sprite and Cherry Coke because all of those are fuckin delicious.

Here is a short list of resolutions I have deemed appropriate that I keep.

1. Be more awesome.
2. Sleep more.
3. Watch more Anthony Hopkin films.
4. If you like I then slap I'll slap my dick on it.
       Way back when it was 2010, I had an interesting conversation with the beloved super metal/gamer in my life about property ownership and how to claim said ownership. After countless hours of debating and mental anguish we proposed an idea of all ideas. This idea is so monumental that it has to be shared.
      
      If you like something slap your dick on it.

Want someone's delicious ice cream? Put your dick on it. 

Well now, this is a fine pussy...

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. All of your skittles are mine.

Now the ladies might be all disrespectful and complaining that "Well what if we don't have a penis to invoke the phallic version of eminent domain? 

This is always an option.

Or you can just invoke, I HAVE A VAGINA AND TITIES GIVE ME EVERYTHING EVER. 

All of your everything belongs to them now. 

Try and say no when these are in your face.

So whatever your new year brings you I hope it brings you laughter, boobies, cocks, socks, awesomeness and happiness. If you can't get to where you want to go just whip it out and claim in in the name of your dick. 

Back off bitches. This is MY diamond star. 

I'll shank you for it.