Happy Halloween.

Reasons why my night was more amazing than yours could ever be. 

1.  I hung out with Pyramid Head.

Do you remember him? I would certainly hope you know who he is. For just a refresher course this fantastic man, thing, person is Pyramid Head. He exists inside one of the world's most awesome and horrifying games a ten year old (or even a twenty-one year old) can ever play. Silent Hill 2 is the game I am rambling about. 

If you have not played it or ever been introduced, now is the time. He wields a weapon called The Great Knife and is a fuckin beast character in the game. In my opinion he is the best character in the Silent Hill games. For all of you who say, "Oh didn't they make a movie about that?", fuck off twat. This is no place for you. Well, unless you denounce the movie and proclaim this is a fantastic game. Then we can be friends. 

Now on to the point of the whole introduction. Last night I was so generously given tickets to a city sponsored haunted house. Through all of the delightful screams and scares they saved the best for last. 

They had recreated Silent Hill 2 inside this magnificent house of horrors. It had Pyramid Head complete with his nurses. If you haven't figured it out this far let me explain. I love this game. This is one of my favorite games of all time, ever. 

I come upon the blood soaked floors and saw a nurse that distinctly reminded me of something. The warmth of love I have every time I play this game slowly crept up my spine as I recognized what this was. 

I caught something reflective from the darkness of the red bulbs that dimly lit the room. My breath hitched for a moment. Then I saw it. The Great Knife slowly slid out from the shadows. He stepped out, staring at me. I wasn't able to move. His blood and grime soaked smock lead up to the magnificent triangular dome that hid his identity. 

This is the best costume I have ever laid eyes upon. I heard my sister scream as she see him. A friend tugged on my jacket to propel me onwards away from their worst nightmare, snatching me away from the best thing since bacon on chocolate doughnuts. 

Suddenly as we turned a corner, there he was again in all his horrifying glory. They screamed as I stood there inches in front of him in awe. I turned to look back and saw his minion nurses closing in and decide that this is what Halloween should be like for everyone.

2. Drinks called Liquid Cocaine.

After being scared and meeting the one character in the world who is more awesome that bacon on chocolate doughnuts, I was pushed into a truck and driven to an indiscriminate location. The neon lights of the bar flickered as I heard Michael Jackson's Thriller playing softly. 

You are welcome. 

I was ordered a delicious concoction called Liquid Cocaine. This drink is aptly named. It tastes of grape fruit juice with a mixture of crack. I would sniff this off a hooker's ass if it was at all possible. For a small price I was in happy bliss. 

3. I got more tickets to the haunted house.

I currently have five more wrist bands for the haunted house. I am going to get pictures of pyramid head no matter what.

So the only reason why your night could possibly be better than mine is because when I got home in the morning I had found out that my bitch aunt locked me out. I would of egged her house but I would of had to clean it up and listen to her bitch. So back to my passive aggressive tactics.  

Poooop.

Relationships are like potatoes. There are so many different options and ways to deal with and fix potatoes everyone has their own preference.
There are times when people tend to over load them and put too much expectations on their potato. Maybe you wanted a baked potato and all you received was a box of instant mashed potatoes that taste like they have been strained through a baby's diaper. It happens.

Sometimes people play hot potato and sometimes end up dropping the potato. Though sometimes if people don't pay attention, things get out of hand. It starts to grow limbs. scary knobs that look like they want to attack your face in the middle of the night with out warning and then you never want to go near that bag of potatoes because they smell like Satan's asshole. Your potato has gone bad.

This is what your relationship should look like.

You just have to learn that sometimes it's all about compromising with your potato. Don't expect au gratin potatoes if you don't put forth a little cheese and effort. Just saying a little bacon never hurt anyone. 

Ninja Tigers

Because I am lazy, I do not feel like rooting my droid incredible or downloading the sdk just for a screen shot. Thought I have to admit it is a pretty fuckin epic screen shot. And for some reason I want to spell 'shot' like 'schot'. If that slips in there I apologize. I haven't slept at all. Well I probably should just download it. For some reason Android has decided to make it fuck all hard to get a simple screen shot.

I mean honestly. It's not like I am trying to break into Fort Knox here. I just want to show people the awesome note I wrote to myself last night so I wouldn't forget about what awesome things I wanted to write about. So feel special blog. I am downloading this for you.

I lied. Too complicated for this early in the morning.

The note went as follows:

"Note to self: Blog tomorrow

Utilizing cows in India to help stop ninja tigers

How the duck does Dr. Zoidberg make those noises?

Duck you auto correct.

You are really an Apple."

So apparently I was supposed to write about ninja tigers, cows and how Dr. Zoidberg is awesome. But I have no idea why I wanted to write about this. I'm sure the ninja tiger thing would of been fantastically amazing. Maybe later today Mr. Sleepy will fill me in.

I require adult supervision: Part One

So, I have recently discovered that at the ripe age of twenty-one that I need an adult's accompaniment at all time. I require adult supervision for not only my safety, sanity and general well being but everything, organism and inanimate object in the nearest vicinity.

Example number one: The door knob

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not really it was just after one in the afternoon and I was tired of my aunt asking me to close the window in my room so her cats couldn't escape. I wouldn't of really minded this but the woman makes me want to terrorize small children. So in my acts of passive aggressive defiance I opened the window more and went out on a quest to find a door knob.

I secured one by taking the knob off of the pantry door. Victory was mine. I would no longer have to suffer the blazing inferno temperatures that the small room I occupied seemed to accumulate during the night.

I set off by first inspecting the knob. I pulled out the middle piece which google search tells me is a dead latch.

I went about installing the door knob from hell. A couple of minutes later secure in the knowledge that I had outsmarted the door, my aunt and the entire damn world, I shut the door.

Suddenly, I knew I had done something wrong. The screws for the handle were installed on the other side of the door and the knob just kept turning and turning. Panic set in my mind. What if I never escaped? What if I had to crawl out the window? What if I couldn't get the window open wide enough to fit my black woman's ass through it?

Luckily for me, I remembered that I live in the modern age of mobile devices that somehow let me communicate with others with out them having to be there.. I called the house phone and luckily my grandmother was kind enough to unscrew my way to safety. I felt like a new person. I was free.

Now that I have reconquered the lock I still look at my door knob with apprehension. I have a gnawing feeling that it is just waiting for me to let my guard down. And suddenly BAM! It will lock me in my room and I will soon come to love the door in a weird Stockholm sort of way. IF THAT HAPPENS HOW WILL I EVER ENJOY THE DELICIOUS TASTE OF COOKIE DOUGH?

I'm watching you door knob. You are a shady character.

Now I'm gunna let you finish

Now Kayne I'm gunna let you finish but those children in Africa have got the best diamonds I've ever seen.

In case you haven't heard the man literally had his bottom teeth removed and put in gold and or platinum and diamonds. What is this? I don't even....

Technologic

Dear Technology,

I know we have not gotten along well in recent years but I would like to extend a small white flag. I understand that I have hurt you. Can't we just forget about all the headphones and gaming headsets that I've broken and all of the phones I've stepped on and washed? Let us put that in our past, set our differences aside and become friends. I would like to formally apologize to you now.

You see my dearest love, I have recently purchased an Iphone 4. While I do understand that you are quite skeptical of me, please allow me to explain my decision making process.

1. Jennifer see's a refurbished iphone 4.

2. Jennifer recently received a paycheck.

3. She calmly (as calmly as a woman who is hyped up on a nerdgasm can) and rationally (about as rational as an elephant who has met the rat king) decided to purchase the phone.

4. Sammich King reminds her about all the other technological failures (for instance I once washed the phone I had twice. I didn't think the jeans the phone was in were clean enough so the poor phone had to go through the wash cycle twice before I realized what had happened) and Mr. Sleepy had just suggested she buy a new pair of headphones (at least the 10th pair I've been through) with the money. But of course I never listen.

5. Irrational fear of loosing and or damaging the phone (washing, stepping or breaking it) has set in.

6. The excitement of getting this phone makes the first 5 go away.

So please technology maybe we can compromise and work this out. I promise not let you go any where near the washing machine.

• Edit: I have been informed by Mr. Sleepy that he is my dearest love. So apparently technology you are the second on the list. Though you never force me to go to sleep when I don't want to or make me get up off my ass and go eat sustenance when all I want to do is internet.

• Dos Edit: This blog post is pointless since the whole iphone thing fell through. But I did however, get a Droid Incredible. Expect blog posts with hilarious autocorrect mistakes.  11/01/2010

Internet my old friend

Hello internets, my old friend. It seems to me as if our short departure of two months has not dulled the love I have for you and the mindless prattle that never ends. You entertain me, you make me laugh until I cry and even sometimes you excite me. And by excite I mean all the times I googled photos of star clusters and fuss balls. Geek love is sexy.

But alas you have caught me in the tangled web you weave of the blag. Let me reintroduce myself since it has been a while since we have last conversed. As usual I am up past the time I should be, glued to the screen like a small child that is addicted to the crack of pixie sticks. I sit here listening to the snores of my boyfriend and think that maybe sometimes the best writing is done when you are half asleep and rambling into the never ending world of the series of tubes.

It's nice to be back. I've missed the youtube videos of cats and the hilarity of the general sarcasm that brings everyone together. I even miss the disgusting parts like the horse porn and even yes you religious zealots with your willingness to let other express their opinions.

So here I am trying to figure out a clever way to end this excessive ramble. I will leave you with the last thought before I join Mr. Sleepy boyfriend.

Long live the hypnotoad.